Knowing All and Nothing
by LadyLefaye
Summary: The 9th Doctor has a vision of his many possible futures with Rose as the Time Vortex fills him. Set during Parting of the Ways. NineRose, hints of TenRose


Their single kiss was the most fantastic, intimate moment he had ever experienced. It was so much more than he ever thought it could be…yet at the same time, it was so much less, because it was only a single moment in time compared to the infinite possibilities he could now see. He could feel all of her thoughts flowing into him…all of her confused emotions and mixed up desires for him. But it was more than just that. As the energy of the time vortex filled him, he could see all of time and space. Not just the past and the future, but _all_ pasts and _all_ futures.

He focused in on the individual threads of their lives, and he saw children that could have been his grow old, have children of their own, and pass on…an entire new generation of Time Lords sprung from him and Rose. He saw his beautiful Rose killed in front of him because of his own negligence, and he was left to die alone, the last of a once-noble race. He saw a past where he had never met Rose…never felt the love burning in his heart right now…where she married her dull boyfriend and lived out her dull life. There were so many possibilities…so much pain and so much ecstasy all rolled into a few mere moments. It was more than any one body was meant to handle, Time Lord or no.

As the energy reached its peak, he could feel it all. Thousands of future kisses, endless nights of making love…and countless numbers of deaths…some peaceful, some torturous, but all of them agonizing in their own way. Because even a Time Lord could only cheat death for so long. As Rose had so wisely pointed out only moments earlier, we all must die, and return to dust.

While they were still joined, he knew that she could see it too…all of the possible joy and pain that awaited them, but he sensed no fear from her…just a quiet acceptance of whatever was to come.

But he had not expected her to forget so thoroughly once the kiss ended…to not remember one tiny piece of the visions that had coursed through her. He knew he was dying…every single cell in his body was shutting down in preparation for the change. It was like a thousand sharp needles riddling his body. But even the pain of his own death was nothing in comparison to the pain in his heart.

She did not remember all they had shared…all they _could_ share. And the knowledge of all possible futures did him more harm than good, because he did not know _which_ future would be theirs. Would he still be 'her doctor' after he changed? Would she still love him, or would she forget the man inside and fear his new shell? Would she leave or stay…would they live out their lives together, or would he be the cause of her premature death? So many choices, and no way to know for sure what would happen.

He could hear her shouting his name, and he tried to reassure her as best he could, but now the pain was excruciating, like he was being burned from the inside out.

And then there was nothing…

He knew from past experience that it only took a few moments, but he could have been in that state for eternity and not have realized. It was the void in between, where time and sensation had no meaning. It was where he waited until his new body had sprung like a phoenix from the ashes.

Then he was back in his body…or _a_ body, he should say. It would take a bit of getting used to until it was truly _his_. For a second, he merely stood and reveled in the sensation of being alive once more. Even a moment in the void was too long for his tastes, and he embraced the return of his senses with a wonderful sense of elation. He could feel the air cool against his face, and the leather of his coat soft against his skin. And best of all, he _didn't_ feel any physical pain…the torture of the transformation was for his former body alone to bear. He was given a fresh slate to work with.

Pity that nifty trick didn't work so well on his heart. All of that pain and fear was still very much present. But Rose was still there, and she wasn't screaming, so that was a good sign. Probably meant he still looked human. But he should probably find a mirror just in case. He'd stand little chance of rekindling the passion she'd shown him earlier if he had a face that only a mother could love.

One thing was certain though…he wouldn't give up…not this time. He'd spent too much of his life backing down for fear of what could go wrong. But he'd seen what could go wrong with her…all of the horrible, torturous things that could happen…and he'd seen what could go right, and how blissful that could be.

Pressing on would be a gamble, with their lives as collateral, but somehow he knew, regardless of the outcome, that Rose was worth that risk.


End file.
